I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
