Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
