I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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