i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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