She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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