i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
