does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
