how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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