I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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