I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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