If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
