I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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