I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
