the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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