My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Is Oprah even human
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize