he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
