This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
