I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
