I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's just so happy...and so naked.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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