I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
