I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
