I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
