The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
