i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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