sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
