I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You have to summon your inner elephant
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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