I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
