Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
