Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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