Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
