dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
