I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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