Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
