So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize