I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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