Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
