I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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