Non-Jews are for practice
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize