oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
