She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
