4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
