Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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