It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
