Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
