by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
pray to the hookup gods
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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