her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize