I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
