I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
