You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
