It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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