So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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