The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
