Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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