I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
