How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
