im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
