Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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