dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
