Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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