I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
