why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
