you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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