I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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